#1

As I sit here in my ‘book nook’, drinking my ‘fruit infused’ water, typing on my MacBook, on a pretentious ‘blog’ about my life, watching the world go by, through the windows of my sea view flat, I do wonder why I let anxiety and material problems phase me. 

To the bored individuals that will read this, THANK YOU for taking moments out of you life to consider the words of a 20 something big kid who struggles with the everyday trials of adulthood.

This post has been a long time coming for me, recently I’ve been selfishly contemplating my impact on the world, therefore ignoring and forgetting the NOW. The present is influenced by the past and influences the future. So whilst I’ve been idle it’s all flown past me. I have no one but myself to blame, blimey I’ve seen enough internet meme’s telling me that growing up is a trap and your twenties are like being dragged through a hedge backwards, whilst having to recite the alphabet phonetically and thread a needle all at the same time. So I knew it was going to be tricky, but flipping ‘eck, I wasn’t not ready.

There is so much negativity in this world, and don’t get me wrong, this is not me saying I have the answer to world peace, this is me saying I have only just started to notice it’s impact. I feel like the whole planet is against me and everyone in it has a vendetta to ruin my life. Possibly that is true…  someone ‘upstairs’ has seriously dealt me the shit deck and I’m positive is willing me to fail. BUT, this should not be a reason for me to give up on my ambitions. Not big ambitions, just little victories I want to accomplish. A nice home, good friends, a capsule wardrobe and the most impressive loose leaf tea collection in the South East. I don’t see these as impossible dreams?

But more often then should be allowed I decide that I am going to crumble. Let everything I touch upset me and push away the important people in my life because I think they don’t care. This is simple not true, I AM A VERY LUCKY GIRL and I often forget that. I have a gorgeous roof over my head, a gentleman by my side, faultless family and inspiring friends. Despite my brain knowing all of this and knowing I need to sort my shit out, I don’t. I let the worries and anxiety and the fear fester inside me, which makes me prone to outburst of rage (IKR! I look like an angry person, huh).

So,I am being selfish?

As of late I have had to kick my white girl arse into gear and acknowledge my responsibilities as a 22 year old. Yes, that is not old in the grand scheme of things but age is not defined by a number, it is defined by life experience and I’ve had my fair friggin’ share of it. No one prepares you for the day your parents come home and drop the C bomb, yet we’re taught how to handle a bunsen burner, write a sonett and calculate f**kin’ algebra!!! (I don’t actually think you calculate algebra but is a completely irrelevant topic anyway so IDC).

Everything I’ve been dealt in my minimal years I have chewed up, spat out and fed it to the train rats, quite proudly actually. I’d never let people see me crumble. I was strong and fearless and Lion but now I’ve learnt the positives of expressing my self. Now, I realise, that sharing my upsets with people I care about makes, not only, you feel better but (usually) brings you closer to that person. My family have a saying, “together we’re stronger” and I’d never appricated that phrase until now. Teenage me pushed people away, I didn’t tell people I loved them because I was scared of that commitment, of that bond. But now I am more open, I tell people when their brilliant, when I am grateful to have met them, on the contrary, I’m also now not scared to tell them to stuck on it when completely necessary and to get the eff out of my space.

I think what I mean to say with this post is that, there is no such thing as ‘old enough’, no such thing as a ‘normal life’. The mainstream, the media will drip feed you images and descriptions of what your life is ‘meant to be’ and it is utter bullsh*t (excuse my language, Grandparents).

I’ve encountered a few hiccups in recent months. Things that are completely out of my control, they are other peoples impact on the world and how they think life should be lead. Just because I don’t agree doesn’t mean I should think they are doing it to piss me off. Maybe, just maybe, their just w**kers whom of which I needn’t clutter my mind with.

Learn to move on.

Learn to brush yourself off.

Learn that nothing is really as bad as you think.

Negativity clouds your vision, you miss all the glorious little moments in life if you let it overcome you. Like that old couple sitting on a beach bench with a packed lunch, that little kid that very took it’s first steps, or that dog that just had a shit on someones coat while they weren’t looking. Learn to laugh and smile more. Everything seems much sunnier and you in yourself will be a lot healthier.

Sometimes you have to wade through the shit before you get to the grass.

With that image, I’ll let you get back to your dead end job or fruitless day (kidding).

Rant Over.

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